The Shrimp Manifesto

by Zach Conley

“You must hate the shrimp, you must fear the shrimp. To kill shrimps, you have to become the shrimps.”

This document contains the suppressed truth about the underwater tyranny of shrimps. The godless hordes of shrimp freely roam our oceans and rivers (there are freshwater shrimps too) terrorizing underwater life and plaguing our ecosystems. Shrimps can be likened to a smaller underwater version of Al Qaeda although they will meet the same fate as ENRON. Human beings have a responsibility as shepherds of this earth to eradicate these unnatural mistakes of nature and restore balance to the planet.

Some of you may know very little of the true nature of shrimps, why this truth has been suppressed remains a mystery to me. Shrimps feed on the souls of the underwater creatures around them. Much like dementors they suck out all the happiness and joy of others, robbing creatures of any sense of peace or happiness. They do so without fear or remorse, only smugness. They carry themselves about as if everything is a joke. These monsters have no respect for other types of life, they’re a narcissistic species who believe they reign supreme over all other things. I hope after reading this document you will join me in my quest to show those little bastards just how wrong they are.

In addition to the mere nature of shrimp’s existence the emotional state of shrimp should absolutely terrify you. Shrimp are possibly the most smug animals in our great natural world. They are volatile beyond belief and incredibly sensitive. You don’t want to look at a shrimp the wrong way, they can snap at any moment and descend into a fit of rage. With the emotional maturity of a 3 year old child these temper tantrums can last for weeks and even days. There is no talking down a shrimp when they’re up to their bullshit. Any attempts to calm a shrimp down will only enrage the beast further. These violent outbursts put everyone in the shrimp’s vicinity in mortal peril.

If the disturbing nature of shrimp didn’t present enough of a case for their eradication the practical ramifications of shrimps are even more terrifying. It is a well-known fact that shrimp are the No. 1 export of the United States, supporting a 10 trillion dollar shrimp industry. While this massive shrimp industry does provide jobs and wealth to low income families it also is a huge front for the trading of sex slaves.

It is a well-known fact that shrimps are incredibly sexually aggressive, they have this thirst for pleasures of the flesh that can never be quenched. At the dawn of the shrimp age when mankind was first hunting the mighty shrimp it was quickly learned by the primitive shrimpers that they were not the hunter at all, they were the hunted. Shrimps grew more and more bold over time and eventually began demanding human sacrifices for them to de-flower and then consume. Over time this practice evolved and now shrimp-kind run the largest and most profitable sex slave trade operation in the history of the world. There isn’t a criminal enterprise that shrimp don’t have their greasy little antennae in. If you peel back the curtain of the criminal underworld you will find shrimps and only shrimps.

As the shrimp run criminal underworld grew so did their needs. With the sheer size of the shrimp operation the shrimps needed influence. Shrimps realized that in order for their various ventures to flourish it would be advantageous for them to have people on the inside, politicians and leaders who had ears that heard the whisper of the shrimps. This began the shrimp’s ingenious political infiltration plot.

Behind every major historical event there is only one reason for its occurrence, the will of the shrimps. If you thought the world was run by humans then I’m sad to inform you that you’re terribly mistaken. The world is run by a truly sinister group, the puppet masters that make the world turn, the Shrimp Cabal. With a hand in nearly all tyrannical empires the widespread power of shrimps cannot be underestimated. Hitler, Stalin, Mao, Mussolini, all of them were simply figureheads in service to the whims of the secret hand of shrimps. Over time their power and influence has only grown.

These invisible shrimp emperors oversee all inner workings of this world they have only been able to operate so efficiently and secretly because of their access to alien technology. When the earth was young—long before the time of man—shrimps reigned supreme. It was during this time that extraterrestrial beings came to earth and made contact with its rulers. Although shrimps are violent and unpredictable their capacity for diplomacy is unrivaled. Shrimps quickly became close allies with these alien beings, allowing access to all of their advanced technologies that would one day enable the shrimps to rule the world.

Alien technology paved the way for shrimp to access and travel through the space time continuum. This is the ultimate safety net of the shrimps, if ever a revolution or uprising were to prove successful these shrimps could simply go back in time and reverse their dethroning. It was when I came to learn this that this mission to destroy shrimps seemed fruitless and perhaps impossible. I now know that it is possible and that if executed properly a plan to eradicate these demons of the sea could be successful. I have recently been approached by an individual who can turn the tide of this conflict. A defector whose name I cannot disclose has grown disgusted with the shrimp agenda. This hero is willing to put their life on the line to destroy the shrimp empire once and for all. This shrimp has access to the shrimp’s time travel device and can render the machine useless, giving mankind a chance to fight back. Through the combined military might of the world’s militaries and the strength of the human spirit we can challenge their rule and overcome their advanced technology.

Now I call my fellow humans to arms. We shall come by land and by air and by sea. We will rain hellfire upon the shrimp empire. In the end only the blood of these cowards will remain, scattered among the rubble of their civilization. When this is done we can finally rest and watch the sun rise over a grateful universe. Join us. Burn them all.