The Time for Blaming Men is Over¶
(A response after reading, Training Men and Boys to Honor Women in the age of #MeToo)
Men are rapists. Men abandon their children. Men beat women and treat them as second class citizens. Men are violent, unpredictable, cheaters, and you don’t need one. Have you heard this story? I’ve heard it far too often. This is all bullshit.
Let me start over. There are bad men who commit many of these atrocities. There are rapists and abusers and men who act like animals. They prey upon the most vulnerable members of society (women, children, and other men). The rest of us hate those men and want them punished to the full extent of the law. However, despite what much of the media tells you, those men are the exception and not the rule.
In addition to despicable men, there are other factors that hurt women in society. Traditional values and common practices sometimes put women at a disadvantage. They often do the bulk of child rearing1 and spend more time out of the work force which hurts them in terms of pay.2 There are obstacles that affect women and I don’t want to downplay their experience. At the same time, I ask that you show men the same courtesy.
Society seems to portray men as having it all. We have the best jobs, make the most money, and are not held down by children. All 45 presidents have been men and we revere our founding fathers. I could go on. As some of this is true, men have their own equally as serious problems.
Which story do you hear most often: Men abandon their children? Or, men lose a custody battle, are second class parents, and live in poverty to pay their child support?3 I mean, why isn’t 50/50 child custody the standard over joint custody? Joint custody separates men from their own children. Then, often, another man spends more time with their children than they do, and the new stand-in-father’s income doesn’t get factored in when calculating child support either. And ultimately, no one cares. I don’t believe society gives a shit about these men. You’re expendable. And don’t you complain about it either, men, because you have everything else, supposedly. I’m sorry, I’m biased. I know that I’m biased. I’ve seen too many good men and fathers whose children were ripped away from them.
Maybe losing one’s children attributes to the suicide rate? Men make up 75-80 percent of the suicides in the United States (though women do attempt suicide more often by less lethal means). Nearly 80% of homicides are also male (usually by other males). We are more likely to be prosecuted for domestic violence, too. Our future isn’t looking the brightest either. Our college enrollment rates are dropping. Now, women make up 56% of college attendees, a trend that is only continuing to worsen.4 Instead, men jump into the work force, also working the most dangerous jobs. No wonder we die five years earlier than women (that and our stubbornness).
This isn’t meant to be a sob story. I am pointing out the obvious that both men and women have their own unique problems and neither should be easily dismissed. We also have our own privileges, which we can debate, but aren’t the focus of this piece.
What am I getting at? Our society incentivizes single motherhood (I have nothing against single mothers, however, less single mothers would be better for society). More children are being born out of wedlock, and increasingly into single parent households that are more likely to live in poverty and have a host of other negative effects. These families become more dependent on the state. In the end, the institution of marriage is being undermined, which inevitably hurts families and children. We need to reverse those trends and we can only do so together.
3rd wave feminism is one of the culprits. It pushes many of these stereotypes against men and makes them the crux of America’s problems. From intersectionality to sexual promiscuity to Rape Culture, they are not helping women.5 I charge the movement with not giving a shit about the individual woman and whether or not you’re happy. They are more interested in pushing policies that hurt you, putting the movement above the individual, and making women more afraid and distrustful of men. What do you think the long term effects of that are? Nothing good. More divisiveness, more divisions between men and women while the news media and politicians exacerbate the problem and spin “facts” all for more hysteria that leads to more views and votes. And we suffer because of it. Our children suffer.
Ultimately, we as men need to do better. We need to be better to women and our children. And you as women need to do better, too. Biologically, it seems most men want to protect women. Of course the new thought is women don’t need protection. We can play the semantics game, but women need men in their continued fight for equality and the creation of a safer environment for all vulnerable people, just as men need women and children need two parents. We all need to take responsibility for our own actions and not judge others based on the sins of their mothers or fathers, nor of their genders. When that movement starts, then I’ll finally be able to say #MeToo.
Footnotes