BREAKING: Anthony Weiner Found Dead

by Brant Watson

NUNNELLY, TN—Former U.S. Representative Anthony David Weiner was found dead this morning following Donald Trump’s stunning general election victory. Weiner—seen as recently as November 4th on horseback engaged in equine therapy as part of his treatment for [cyber]sex addiction and other undisclosed mental health disorders—was found dead by Recovery Ranch Administrative Directory Marie Reed hanging from his own belt in the closet of the resort bedroom in which he was staying. “This is a clear cut case of death by auto-erotic asphyxiation,” said FBI Director James B Comey. Comey is personally overseeing the investigation.

“Losing Weiner is a real loss,” said Transportation Supervisor Dave Ward. “You could tell that he was really committed to changing his deviant ways. His death came as a complete shock to everyone at the facility.” Other members of the staff also voiced their shock. “I told him he would leave this place and never be a slave to his sexual impulses ever again,” said Admissions Financial Coordinator Jenger Parrish. “The irony of that statement just makes me sick.” Even Primary Therapist Lisa Anderson was shocked by the sudden passing of Weiner. “He was very open and honest with me, and he never once mentioned being into auto-erotic asphyxiation.”

In a recent AP interview, Huma Abedin said of her estranged husband, “I knew he was into self-choking as a means to achieve a semi-hallucinogenic dreamy state and orgasms that rival the rush of cocaine. He used to ask me to choke him but I was never strong enough, even when I was upset by his deviant sexual behavior. While we had a challenging marriage and eventually separated, I am saddened by his surprising and [un]timely death. I am fortunate to have the support of my close friend Hillary Clinton with whom I shared tears this morning when I learned of this tragic loss.”

President elect Donald J. Trump—who insisted on being interviewed for this story despite not being sought for commentary—noted, “I’ve seen Weiners dick pics, they weren’t that impressive. Maybe I’ll put some up on Twitter for nostalgia. R.I.P Anthony, you won’t be missed. Sorry Hillary killed you though. What a nasty woman.”

While Internet conspiracies have run rampant at the recent news, accusing failed presidential nominee Hillary Clinton, Hillary Clinton’s secret police force, Hillary Clinton’s alien lizard people army, and Hillary Clinton’s surrogate Megyn Kelly of being behind the gruesome but strangely amusing death of Anthony Weinder, FBI Director James Comey has affirmed that there is not enough evidence of malicious behavior to warrant a prosecution of anyone related to Hillary Clinton in any way. “Let’s just put this guy to rest,” he stated flatly at a press conference early Wednesday afternoon. “In fact let’s put everything to rest,” he murmured serenely, his thumb longingly stroking his F.B.I. issued sidearm.