Jason Voorhees and the Generation Gap¶
As Jason Voorhees’ 71st birthday came and went (June 13th), his critics would have you believe he’s a serial killer with no regard for human life. They go on to call him a monster, less than human, and without feeling or remorse for what he has done. If it were up to them, Jason Voorhees would have gotten the death penalty by now or, at the very least, serve out his days behind bars.
In a rare interview, I had the opportunity to sit down with him. Sadly, I was unable to write or record our talk due to a prohibition on blunt or sharp objects. But here’s what I remember.
Me: Hello, Mr. Voorhees. Do you mind if I call you Jason?
Mr. Voorhees grumbled.
Me: Jason, the world wants to know, are you a murderer?
Jason: Nnnnnnoooooo
Me: But I just recently watched your films with my kids. You killed many people. Punching heads off, using a spear to kill fornicators, hacking people up with your machete… the list goes on.
Jason seemed to smile when I mentioned his machete. It was hard to make out in the dim light and because his face is all fucked up. I remember his reply, though.
Jason: Yes.
Me: So, you did kill them?
Jason: I did.
Me: Then how are you not a murderer?
Jason: By definition.
Me: Please explain.
Jason: It was in self-defense. The tapes you’ve watched are edited. They came to my camp, fornicated in my bed and all over my property, and they attacked me. I am lucky to be alive today. I’ll remind you that kids like these are the ones who caused me to drown in the first place. And then I got older, and the next generation of kids are even worse! They trample down my grass, and listen to their rock n roll music. Society is the one with the problem.
Me: Are you saying that it’s society’s fault?
Jason: I am. Listen to you. Watching R-rated movies with your kids? What kind of example are you setting? How old are your kids?
Me: Well… uh. My, my oldest is 14.
Jason: And?
Me: I have a 12, 11, 9, and 6-year-old.
Jason: And you let them watch the movies? My mother would have killed me if she even caught me listening to Elvis Presley. And you allow your kids to watch those vicious films?
Me: Well… I tried to explain that it was just fantasy. That you were not really killing those people.
Jason: I appreciate you protecting my good name. But parents have lost the ability to parent. If I wasn’t locked up behind bars and I were still taking care of my property, I’m sure your kids would be fornicating on my property next!
Me: Would you kill them too?
Mr. Voorhees eyes turned an icy blue. I thought he was going to punch my head off.
Jason: Everything I have done was in self-defense. And I would never hurt a child! I was just a child when no one was there to protect me.
Mr. Voorhees looked down and I thought I saw him wipe away a tear but I couldn’t bring myself to ask.
Me: Mr. Voorhees, tell me more about your disdain for the next generation.
Jason: They don’t work hard! They don’t take care of their properties! And they have utter disregard for the elderly. I wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for them. Maybe I would have had kids of my own. Someone I could have passed my mach— err, my hockey mask on to.
Me: Mr. Voorhees, do you think that’s fair? There are approximately 146 counts of murder against you. Are you saying that it was their faults or that all of them attempted to hurt you?
Jason: Of course I think it’s fair. I have studied law for the last 40 years. I know my rights. It was self-defense. First, they took my mother from me. Then they took away my freedom. Parents like you are the reason I am here today.
Me: I know you are pressed for time. But I want to summarize what you have said. You believe that the Generation X kids ruined your life, attacked and tried to kill you after they killed your mother, and they fornicate everywhere?
Jason: Pretty much, yeah. Generation X is the worst.
Me: There you have it, folks. You’re looking at an innocent man who fell victim to the ‘Generation Gap’. Jason, I thank you for the interview. Did you have anything else you’d like to say?
Jason: I would just like to thank my mama for raising me to be the man I am today. Someday I will make you proud, mother. And to Freddy. You have shown me friendship during my time in solitary.
Me: Very touching.
* * *
6 months later, all 146 charges were dropped against Mr. Voorhees. He has since retired to Camp Crystal Lake where he plans to restore the place to its former glory. He called and told me that any time I would like to hang out, he would love to talk my head off.
Ki, Ki, Ki, Ma, Ma, Ma